


I Never Thought I'd Get This Far

by optimusprimedrinksjager



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers: Prime
Genre: Angst, Coercion, Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Graphic Description, Heavy Angst, Human Experimentation, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loss of Virginity, Medical Experimentation, Medical Procedures, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Other, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Psychological Torture, Rape/Non-con Elements, Referenced Suicide Attempt, Robot/Human Relationships, Rough Sex, Science Experiments, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Sexual Coercion, Smut, Sticky Sexual Interfacing, Threesome - F/M/M, Violent Sex, mentions of self harm, multiple rapes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-11-07 23:52:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17970449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/optimusprimedrinksjager/pseuds/optimusprimedrinksjager
Summary: I am but a science experiment by the Decepticons.  They want to know what they can do to me for their own benefit.  All of my humanity and dignity is stripped from me, and I am at the mercy of a scientist and a medic, directed by a tyrant.  I'm being force fed strange things, having strange substances injected into me, and have been implanted with devices that have taken away any privacy I've had.  To them... I'm just another thing on the agenda.  Another thing to cross off the to-do list.But Stars... he treats me differently... and not always in a good way....





	1. Research

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't expect this to blow up into a full ass novel. I literally started it because I was bored. But here we are.
> 
> This is my first fic and I'm still figuring out how this fic thing works... .-. I'm also still figuring out terminology that is used in fics, so forgive me if some things are a bit off or sound kind of elementary. Hopefully I will improve as I continue the project and edit it!
> 
> I wrote in my normal speaking style for the OC, so there is a lot of swearing. And a lot of swearing in general. I have a colorful vocabulary.
> 
> ***This work could honestly be read from a reader's pov, despite the character being original. The dialogue could be interpreted as a reader's perspective... however you'd like to read it.***

_My name is not important right now. We'll cover that later. All you really need to know right now is how it was before I was brought into this place. For now at least. I'm a pretty standard alternative, goth, metal girl. I have piercings and tattoos. I've got purple and black hair, and I'm interested in the occult. So much so, that I work in a store that sells such things, to support myself while I complete my apprenticeship in order to become a tattoo artist. I live with my sister (who isn't all that different from me), so I'm not completely living paycheck to paycheck. I do enjoy my work, and overall my life is pretty good. Better than it was a few years ago. I've failed to mention that I'm in my middle 20s. I don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend (I'm bisexual); no one has really “gotten” me. I'm fine with it, I'd rather be by myself with my friends and sister than with someone who I don't like to be around. I do think about it at times though. Now that you know about my life before now, I'll share what I remember after I was taken. If I am recalling correctly, I had my headphones on playing some black metal as I walked from my car to the building where my studio apartment is. Thing is… I never made it back._

 

*****

 

I was grabbed by a force way too strong to be human and I think I must have been knocked unconscious, because next thing I know, I was laying in a bed in a place I didn't recognize. My arms and legs are secured to it; I'm not in prison, am I? No, there’s no one else around. My vision is blurry, and there's no less than 3 IV's in my arms, legs, and torso. What in the ever living fuck is happening?! This operation seems hardly human… this room is way too large for humans. My blurred brain can't add up what's happening. I think I'm drugged….

“How is the subject?” comes a rough, weirdly loud voice. Whoever this is coming from is probably going to kill me….

“It's stable, last I checked,” comes a less scary voice. This one sounds a little arrogant.

“Good, good,” I hear the first voice say. “Talk to it, ask it questions, as we discussed. Shockwave will join you once the subject is… settled.”

Fucking hell, were they going to kill me? _As we discussed…_. That sure sounds like a death sentence to me. And what the hell kind of name is “Shockwave”? Surely this individual must have a different name, and this is a nickname…. Holy fucking shit.

**What. In. The. Ever. Living. Fuck. Is. This.**

A heavy, earth shaking set of… what sounded like footsteps (they couldn't be) are seemingly moving closer… a hollow, metal bang is filling the room with each step, and it's hurting my ears…. I'm fucking screaming. A face… not a human one… is staring down at me. If I didn't have all these god damned IV's in I would try to escape, but that's really out of the question. I can't really make out the details, but I think it's white and red.

“No need to worry so, human,” the arrogant voice I'd heard before said. “You're safe here. Under my protection and care, of course.”

“WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT?” I'm screaming at the top of my lungs… what is all this?!

“Calm yourself, I do not wish to have to repair you so soon,” says the voice. “I'm Knockout, the hottest 'con in the house and your current caretaker.”

The hell did he (it sounds like a guy…?) just say? I'm going to stop screaming for a moment, it's pretty obvious there's no rescuers nearby, and if I'm going down… well, I'm strapped down and I'm not going anywhere. “W-what… what happened?” I don't know what else to say at the moment. “What's a… con? Why do you have such a… weird name? Tell me your real name….” Not that I'd remember it long enough to report him to the police.

“Ah, silly humans,” he sighed. “Let's begin with the obvious, shall we? I'm not a human. Neither is anyone else here. Lord Megatron would not allow more than what we've got now… which is currently, you. We need a human for… research. Nothing that'll hurt too badly… I'm not one to torture helpless beings. And, in case it isn't obvious already, Knockout _is_ my name, and once your optics clear up, you'll see how I live up to my name.” He still hasn't clarified what kind of… fucking aliens his… group… are. “What kind of aliens are you?”

He laughs, making me wish I could hit that motherfucker. “We're not those shitty pathetic human creations your species refer to as ‘aliens’,” he replied. “We're Decepticons, autonomous robotic organisms. We come from the planet Cybertron. Our Lord believes there is something on this shit hole worth coming for, and he's got one thing out of it, I guess.”

Something about “Decepticons” sounds sketchy. “What's with this deception shit?” I ask. “What are you going to do to me? What are you lying to me about? Tell me!”

“I'm afraid our leader will have to speak with you,” the voice called Knockout says. “Once your optics are cleared up. We had to sedate you and the only sedatives I have seem to cause human optics to lose focus.”

 _Fucking bastards are drugging me already_ …. “Why do you want me….?”

“Did you not hear me, or are your audio receptors faulty?” he mocks. “ _Research_.”

My vision is starting to clear a little, and I'm starting to make out his appearance. He's huge. As in, I might stand a quarter or so of the way up his leg. He's a robot, if I could say that. He's got red and black… eyes (...?), that look kind of like Cheerios. I would be laughing if I wasn't scared to death. He's red and white. A lot of red. If I had a way to really judge a robot's attractiveness… he admittedly is nice to look at.

“Ah, are you starting to clear up, human?” He could have at least asked for a name or some shit, rather than calling me “human”.

“Yes,” I sigh.

“You'd do well to learn some manners, or Lord Megatron will not be so kind as I am,” he warned.

“When am I going to meet this… Lord?”

“He should be coming back soon, have no fear,” the ‘con mused. “He is always here when he says he will be. And do not falter. Refer to him as ‘my Lord’, ‘master’, or ‘Lord Megatron’. Do not test him, lest you want our research to become an experiment on how easy flesh beings crush.”

Ugh, could they just ask for a name already?! I'm not here to be referred to like this! “I'll remember that,” I huff.

A huge sound echoes through the whole room, followed by massive, loud steps, louder than Knockout's. I don't want to know how big this one is…. “Ah, my Lord, welcome back,” Knockout says.

“No need, Knockout,” the rough voice from earlier says. “Has our subject cleared up, so that I may attempt to speak to it?”

“It can see my hot aft, so I think we're good,” Knockout says, a hint of vanity in his words.

“Take that fucking slag somewhere else, I haven't got time for you to mention your backside every fucking minute,” the other says. I think that's Megatron, so I'm going to stay still and pretend I'm all right and happy to be here. I open my eyes and that task becomes difficult. He's the fucking hugest moving thing I think I'll ever see: he's got to be at least half again as tall as Knockout, if not more; he's almost as wide at the shoulders as he is tall, and his optics are burning. And I mean _burning_. He's probably going to kill me if I say just one thing out of line. Not that he would have any trouble with that.

With what felt like an earthquake, he kneels down next to my bed and gazes at me, careful not to get too close. “I see you've made it here alive,” he sneers. “I rarely bring such filth into my ship, but I make this exception for… researching fleshlings. I'm curious about so many things you creatures do.”

Well, that topped “human” and “it”. Now I'm “filth”. I bite back the urge to _unload_ on him, knowing full well that I would be practically committing suicide by doing so. “My Lord… if it is not too much to ask… what is it you want to know?” I'm trying to be nice.

He smiles, revealing shark like teeth. “I see you have learned who I am… Oh, I have so much to learn about you creatures,” he says. “I would normally want to eradicate you parasites from this planet, but recently my curiosity got the best of me. I want to know what you do, what you can do, what your pitiful bodies can handle. Rest assured, I will not allow my subjects to torture you. I think our presence while you're strapped to that berth is torture enough.” He laughs, the most evil sound I've heard.

“What we… can do…? Like what?” I'm really hoping they're not going to cut me up like a piece of meat, or inject some freakish fluid or parasite into me.

“I want to know… most certainly, what energon exposure does to organics,” he replied. “We'll be exposing you to it, and you'll be adding it into your… what do you scum call it, food? You'll get human fuel for now, but rest assured that you'll be feeding on energon.”

“What… what is energon….?”

“The very thing that flows through us, powers us, sustains us,” he replies. “You'll surely perish if I were to shove it down your throat now, but perhaps… some adaptations will occur with time.”

Oh, so I am getting some weird shit forced into me! Fucking chemicals! Were they trying to make me one of them, to be a pawn, a spy…? “What purpose does giving me this serve?”

“I want to know how much of a cybertronian I can make you into.” Megatron smiles that evil smile. “If I can spark more troops and subjects from organics, what need have I to worry about my army on Earth? Your species breed so much that I'll have millions if this goes how I need it to.  The Autobots would never suspect a cybertronian that looks like a human....”

I'm an experiment to see how robotic I can get. Well then, I've seen worse, I suppose. How were they going to make me immune to their food, to where I could consume it? Cut me apart and put mechanical parts in me? Inject me with more drugs? Who the fuck knows. Right now I've got to focus on Megatron. “That's… interesting,” I muse.

“If you become what I want you to, that'll be more than ‘interesting’,” he says, getting up. “Obey the commands of my subjects, and do not even think about trying to escape. I'd not like to terminate you, as you seem ideal for this operation, but should you try to escape or go out of line… you'll be finding out how much pain you really can take. I'll be going back on my word about torturing you.” With that, he leaves.

“Our first task will be to interrogate you, but that will wait.” Knockout breaks the silence. For now, let me show you your living quarters.”

He removes all the lines attached to me (how he does this with how big he is, despite having specialized tools, I'll never know), releases me, and holds out a servo. Reluctantly I stumble into it, weak from the tiredness and drugs. I'm clinging to one of his pointy digits to avoid falling to my death (not that I thought he wouldn't catch me, but still). It's fairly comfortable here, he's the perfect size for me to sit comfortably.

“Knockout, what the frag are you doing?” A harsh voice comes from behind them.

Knockout turns to face the voice. “Ah, Starscream, what's the matter?” This ‘con is unlike the others I've seen (how many god damned body types can robots have?!). He's lanky, but in a most beautiful way. He's got burning red optics, a crest to match, and he's got long, sharp talons. His body is just… perfect.

I catch myself.

 _Fucking god_ , I'm saying a robot is attractive… ugh, probably all the drugs.

“You have a human! How the frag did you get it here? Does Megatron know? What kind of scrap head do you have to be to think this is a good idea?!”

“Megatron instructed me to bring the human,” Knockout replies coolly. “It's all quite simple when my Lord asks me to do it.”

The smaller of the two seems to be relaxing, although is a bit miffed. “I can't believe it, but whatever, he's not all there these days, I swear.”

“I have this matter to attend to, we can gossip later,” Knockout says, turning back to where we were heading. Right before he turned, I could have sworn our optics locked for a moment…. I gaze longingly as he resumes whatever he was doing. I'm forced to return to clinging to Knockout. We reach the place within minutes. We enter and he gently lowers me down. The room is big (obviously, these creatures are massive) and actually fairly nice. It looks more human than the rest of the place. There is a bed for me, along with other basic necessities. Not bad for being kidnapped.

“You'll be here. We will bring you your food probably three times a day. You're starting on human sustenance, and once we've collected important information, you'll be starting on energon. Shockwave will fill you in. With that….” Knockout elegantly turns around to leave. “Enjoy.” He is gone. Everything here is so foreign. The bed is the only thing that makes sense. Everything else is absurdly crazy electronics the cons could clearly use, but most certainly not me. They were probably watching me too, sick bastards. No way in hell am I changing or otherwise exposing myself for them. Last thing I need is to be jerk-off material for another species. With nothing much else to do, I slip into the bed and fall asleep.


	2. Tell Me Your Life Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I find out some of why I'm here... and lose some things in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I might be getting better at this...?

There's pounding at the door. I do my best to open my groggy, tired eyes. Where am I? This place doesn't look all that familiar… my apartment doesn't have a bed, only two futons… there were electronics beyond what humans could have ever made….

“I think you've had enough recharge, human.” A red and white robot is lazily strutting into the room.

_Knockout_.

It's all coming back. I'm a prisoner in this… place, and my captors are these robots that talk and have as many personalities as they have individuals. I'm certainly gathering that Knockout is a vain, albeit nice, dude. Megatron is just a hunk of moving steel that has no problem being a death machine. And that smaller one we saw yesterday… I can't remember his name… but there was something about him that drew me to him. No idea what; he probably would call me “filth” and “worthless creature” like the rest. I'm not going to think too hard about it, since I'm not even sure I'll see him again.

Knockout had brought food with him. He kneels next to my bed (he's massive so that hardly helps, but he's trying I guess) and offers me the food. I have no idea where they got their ideas for human food, because what's there is a large variety of different things that certainly do not go together: I've got some sort of soup here, ice cream ( _holy shit how did they get their hands --servos-- on this??_ ), and… I've got to make sure I'm seeing this right…. I don't know what this juice is, but it looks like I'll be having some fun consuming it.

“Thank you,” I say softly. I've never had breakfast in bed before, let alone from these foreign beings.

“Well, aren't you going to eat it?” he asks.

I'm having a hard enough time figuring out what the hell is happening; I don't need a set of red cheerio optics to be staring me down. “I… don't mean to be a bother… but could I… eat alone?”

His optics widen a little. “What kind of request is that?” he asks. “I, along with the rest of us, are interested in your kind's ways and habits, and what better time to start than the end of recharge? Besides, what's better than breakfast in your berth with Knockout?”

Ah fuck. I want to laugh at his antics, but I'm angry at him; he's going to watch me. I guess there's other things I'll have to be watched doing that will be so much worse. I take in a deep breath, and try the soup, feeling those optics burning into me. It's not bad; I've got no idea what it is, it's definitely not a “breakfast” food, but whatever. They could have been experimenting on how long I could starve instead of at least trying.

“I see we've found some things humans will eat,” he noted quietly. “I'm going to have to get Soundwave in here eventually; the master must know.”

I'm finishing up what's left of my meal, avoiding whatever that juice was since it looked… questionable. As soon as I'm finished here… I have no choice. I take it and look at it: it's a dark red, slightly viscous substance. It smells familiar. Reluctantly I took a sip of it.

_Who the fuck serves tomato juice to any self respecting individual_ …?

They really did have no idea. I like tomatoes but once it's had a bunch of shit mixed into it… fuck no. I press on and force myself to finish it. I don't know how to tell them that there's “typical” foods for each meal and that humans don't all eat the same food. Like, I fucking hate white rice. Some humans eat it, I sure as hell do not. “I've finished.”

I hand the tray back to him. I had no need to say anything: he was still watching me intently. “Excellent, I will inform the master and he will have us proceed. I imagine we will be asking about your life and what you do. Be ready to explain yourself.” He got up with unnatural grace and strutted out of the room.

I'm probably going to lose all my privacy within the next hour. I've already lost a lot of it, and I'm terrified that I'm going to be made to do things I'd rather not. They could do anything in the name of “research”. I've already probably been more exposed than I'd liked when they inserted all the needles into me and drugged me. Now I'm worried about what any exposure at all is going to mean. I'm not a fucking cam girl and I feel like I'm going to be forced into being one eventually. Carnal lust seems to be a driving force for any species. If they treat me all right, I suppose I could begrudgingly do most anything.

The door opened, and the scariest of them yet entered. He's got one piercing red optic, and he's purple and massive. It takes him no more than a few steps to get to me, and he lowers a servo. “In, now.”

_Whoa, no need to be like that._ I get up and timidly walk towards it. The second I did so, his digits are clamped around me, squeezing the wind out of my lungs. No compassion with this one. I hope that someone nicer shows up and this one is just the observer. I can't hold my breath at this point (no pun intended, the life is being squeezed out of me); I'm lucky to be alive if I'm being honest.

I'm carried somewhere, who knows how far, and am roughly set down onto the same bed I woke up in yesterday. I'm fastened into it as I was before. Using delicate tools, this new ‘con begins attaching what I'm assuming are similar to those brain sensor things human scientists use. You know, the ones they put on you when they do a study, except these ones are small and have no real wiring or anything. Anyhow, he's got an advantage since the side of my head is shaved on both sides. Attaching things to this section of my head is no problem. He's now moving on to attaching a small… something, to my neck. He'd better be careful around my tattoos… those weren't cheap… luckily he's steered clear of them. Then one on my chest. After he's got that done, he's typing something into a monitor, using a language I've never seen before.

“... That's it…?”

His optic focused on me. I can feel that he thinks I'm stupid. “You thought it would be that easy? I've got a few more, but I'll be having Knockout do those, since his medical expertise is greater than mine.”

“You're going to… _implant_ something?”

“A few ‘somethings’, as your primitive mind would call them,” he corrected. “I'll be having one put in the back of your neck in order to track neurological reactions, I'm still developing one for your brain, and I have one for your heart. Tracking all of these is of great importance.” I'm terrified. I really am getting cut up and having things put into me.

“I cannot see how that's… necessary.” I'm so tired of how I'm being treated here; I've had my humanity removed from me.

“You are a simple human, of course this doesn't make sense. Your minds are so simple, I cannot understand how they even provide anything to you.” He continued to type, as if trying to avoid looking at me. “The implant for your brain shall serve for me to find what use it is. As far as my current knowledge is, your brain is practically worthless and pointless to have.  It's not... _logical_.”

I don't need to be talked down to like this anymore. “I'm not stupid,” I nearly sob.

His red optic turned toward me, searing into me. “You know nothing of intelligence, _human_.”  He returned to his work.

I close my eyes, and feel tears stinging them. There's few things more painful than having your humanity, identity, and privacy stripped from you. I've had it done before, but not on this level. We're now talking being cut open and having things stuck into me to track my every move, thought, and feeling. “... How would you know?”

“How wouldn't I?”

I don't like this guy. In fact… I think I _hate_ him. He doesn't care about me at all, other than the scientific data I can provide. I still have no idea what the hell is happening or what these beings really want. Or who they really are in general. But, I can't do much when I'm secured in one place and can't leave.

The doors of the room opened, and in comes none other than the good looking ‘con I'd met while being escorted to my room, followed by my vain red captor. They're bickering about something quietly, but cease upon receiving a glare from the purple ‘con remaining next to me. “Shockwave, did not expect to see you here,” Knockout said casually.

“How else were we to get the… _deeper_ , data on it if I weren't?” He clearly isn't amused.

I'm just about tired of being called “human”, “it”, and whatever. I'm not going to say anything, but certainly my irritation is going to show up in my new records. In fact, I'm not ruling out the idea that Shockwave can read my thoughts. This technology is far more advanced than anything I've ever seen, so… my mind is probably an open resource, my body is probably being monitored to decide what strange things to do to me next. Unnerving, but again, I'm strapped to this fucking bed until further notice.

The two other 'cons are approaching me and they stare at me for a moment. I'm going to return the favor: I fixed my eyes on the optics of the silver lanky one. That glow in his optics was very pretty. Knockout was a pretty ‘con, but this one held himself differently and was much smaller overall. I want to know your name.

“Human, this is Starscream,” Knockout said. “He will be part of our operation today. Although that was not the plan, here we are.” He shrugged. “The more the merrier.”

“Does the thing have a name or something?” Starscream asked. “Creatures such as this do seem to prefer being referred to as _something_.”

“Forgot that,” Knockout said lazily. “You got anything your kind call you?”

I'm sure as hell not using my birth name. I'm not fond of it and I'd rather they not know. I get to come up with a new one, any name I want! So I choose. “Lilith.”

Both cock their heads slightly. “That's… different,” Knockout noted.

“We don't have names like yours,” I explained. “Sometimes we have names our friends or family jokingly call us that may resemble your names more closely, but I'm afraid we don't have names like yours.”

“So tell me, _Lilith_ ,” the one called Starscream said. “What's life like amongst your species? What do you do? It's nothing that is of importance to an outsider and superior being like myself, but… do tell.” I've been moved so that my “resting place” is closer to where they can see me closely.

“Soundwave, get over here, we have things that the master needs to know,” Knockout said. It's almost as if they have little radios in them to talk to each other. “We must have a record of what it says.”

I can't take it anymore. “For your information, I am female, and I'm ‘she’ not ‘it’.” Tears begin to spill out of my eyes.

“No one asked you,” Starscream said gruffly. His gravelly voice is so nice, despite how much of a cunt he is. “You said my kind like to be referred to in a certain way,” I say. “You're contradicting your own point.” I’m trying to pretend I’m not crying at all.

His optics narrow. “Shut up.”

Soon, another ‘con joins. This one is the strangest looking one yet (although, I love his colors). He's purple and black, he's even more lanky than Starscream, and his face is entirely obscured by a smooth, somewhat shiny mask. He's strange looking, but admittedly beautiful as all hell.

“You got my message, thank you Soundwave,” Knockout greets him. 

The masked ‘con simply gives a slight nod.

“We've got a… subject, that the master wants to know more about,” Starscream explained lazily. “He must hear the words, analyze, as he does.”

Another slight nod. _Does he say anything?_

“All right then,” Starscream is addressing me now. “What is it that Lord Megatron would want so much to know, to bring organics into our residence? I'm sure you know his feelings about the subject thus far.” A smile tugs at his face very slightly.

I still don't even know the answer to this! “I've been told I'm here for research,” I state honestly.

“There must be more than what we can extract from physical reactions to stimuli,” Starscream said softly. He's close enough that I can start to see details on his face and his voice has more depth now.

“My day to day life can't be of any importance if you all hate my species so much.”

He raised an optic ridge. “As much as I don't want to hear about it, perhaps a summary will do until our master has found what he wants to know from all the human rambling.”

I sigh. He is apparently trying to get on my nerves. “Where do you want me to begin?” My life has a lot of stories and details and I don't know which ones I'm going to have to recall. It's especially difficult while being watched by several strange beings.

“Wherever humans begin,” he sayid impatiently.

I'm going to do my best with what I have. “Well… humans start out as small, helpless beings. Like, probably about how big I am to you is how small they would be to a grown human. Your mother gives you life, and after you're born takes care of you. Your father… all right, why am I explaining biology, surely you know how reproduction works on a basic level. He also cares for you as you grow up. We go to school, learn whatever garbage the system thinks you need to know to survive, and once we're my size we get jobs and eventually start our own existence away from our families.” I can already see I've got a lot to explain. “I work at an occult store that sells pagan, occult, and goth type things, and I'm partially through my apprenticeship to become a tattoo artist.”

Starscream looks beyond bewildered. Soundwave has no visible expression, but he's likely confused. Knockout, who has rejoined the conversation, said “You've got a lot of crazy words in there.”

“Which do you not understand?”

“The concept of ‘school’ is… quite unknown here, at least to me,” Starscream said slowly. “What is it you do?”

I feel like I'm explaining this to a child, except the child speaks a different language. “We go to a place with other human children, and a grown one teaches us things. Like, how to speak, read, do math, things like that. Later on they move into teaching you ‘scrap’, as you would say it. I don't need most of it to become a tattoo artist, so to me advanced math and reading obscenely archaic books for the hell of it is useless. After 12 years in the school system, I feel done with it.”

“You… go to a place, and read things and solve math equations… for 12 years?” Starscream asked incredulously. “I'd want to move on to something else after two, in your timeline of aging.”

“We're too young at that age, but I feel the same way.”

“About that whole… having your own life after that… what do you do? Become a commander? A soldier?”

_Motherfucker didn't even listen to half the shit I said_. “We work for someone else for money,” I explain.

“What would you need that for?”

I want to throw something. This is so complicated to explain something so obvious and simple to me. “You know, you get currency for doing something for someone else, then you trade the currency for whatever you need. Food, your house, recreation, whatever.”

“And what is this ‘job’ you speak of?” Knockout interjected. “I'm not familiar with the things you said regarding them.”

“You don't know what occult things are?”

“Never heard the word.” Both of them are shaking their heads.

“So… in your universe, is there anything that exists that is considered ‘evil’ or ‘taboo’?” Surely they must have a lot of that.

They look at each other. “Dark energon?” Starscream offered.

“Why's it called _dark_ energon? Surely it is but a different form of energon.” If this was all they had, I'd be here for hours explaining Satan and the backstory to all that.

“It is, but it is very powerful. What else could there be? Our planet isn't necessarily filled with sparkles and ‘good’ things that you humans would desire.” Starscream shrugged.

I would have to make something up then. I don't know how I'm going to do this, but I am surrounded by several beings large enough to kill me. I'm also slightly flustered by Starscream's intense stare. “So let's say there's an evil figure that exists somewhere,” I began. “Some are tired of the usual way of life, and this, figure, encourages doing whatever you really wish. Within reason. There's all kinds of things with his symbol all over it. That's basically what I sell. Things with evil symbols on them.” This was very simplified, but at this point it didn't matter.

They appear to understand a bit more. “And what's this about ‘tattoos’?” Knockout asked, eyeing the various marks on me.

“It's when you run a needle over your skin, that's got ink on it, and you draw designs that way.” I try to show him my raven tattoo that wraps around my shoulder and goes up my neck. It's the biggest one and my favorite one.

“It's like detailing then? I do that!” Knockout smiled. “I don't want to ruin my finish but some nice enhancements might not hurt.”

“It's similar,” I agree.

Starscream holds out a talon and lifts my face to look at him. I shivered upon his touch, and not because it was cold. “I want to know….” his voice was very low and gravelly now. “How humans… _mate_. Pick another human.”

I can feel myself blushing. Not trying to think too much of it, I reply, “We do this thing called ‘dating’ where you meet the person a few times to get to know them. Usually you go out and do something together. I haven't done it too much because I don't like most other humans, but I've given some a chance. After you find yourselves compatible on a surface level, now you spend more time together to see if you're compatible long term. Eventually you'll live together. If you're sure you want to be with them forever… normally you get married. You promise each other to stay together until you die. And you do the normal human things: go out, get drunk, have jobs, have a house, have children if you wish, like that. Simple but complicated.”

He's smiling now. In the corner of my eye, I see Knockout eyeing him. “Hmm, interesting,” he mused. “What if one of you feels like murdering the other?”

Now why the hell do you ask questions like that?! “You either work it out or separate for the sake of both of you.”

He just stared. I don't know why he is. “Feelings,” he says, withdrawing his talon from under my chin. “Such precious weakness. I'm not one to feel… especially for anyone else. Which is why I was curious. I can't entirely learn from experience.” He smirks.

“But….” I have so many questions.

“Yes, I'm listening.” Cue those burning optics searing into me.

“Never mind,” I said, shaking my head. “You're not human, so you wouldn't understand feelings like that anyway.”

“You would be quite right to say that.”

*********

It wasn't Knockout that brought me back this time, but Starscream. I didn't say anything; I've only been here about 48 hours, and I'm already developing a little bit of a crush on him. Either I was drugged up like crazy yesterday and my brain has sustained some damage, or I was simply very desperate to be loved at this point. He puts me down at my door when we arrive. I look up at him before he leaves, and surprisingly he didn't slam the door shut and leave. He actually is coming closer and kneeling down to be closer to my level. “What is it, human?” he asked.

I shrug. Even I don't really know. “I don't know.”

He stared at me for a moment, then says “Well, if that's the case I'm going to my quarters.”

He's just about to get up, but I tried to grab a talon, and he stops. “I've got things to do,” he said testily. “Spit it out, or I leave.”

“You said you don't… experience feelings,” I say, with no real direction for the conversation.

“Why would I want to?” he asked. “All it would ever do for me is cause me to perish because of the consequences. I cannot be soft, I will surely never rise to any position of power if I were.” I don't know him well, but he sounds a little pained.

“It's scary,” I agree.

“And what would you humans know about pain?” he scoffed. “You're designed to feel and be weak. I'm not. I'm designed to be without those things. You'll come to see that I hold no one close to me. No one. That's setting myself up, and I have the self respect not to assure my own destruction.”

I try to hold his servo close to me. “Not all of us are like that,” I said gently. “Your master seems to see something in me that others of my kind do not possess.”

He looked uncomfortable with me holding him close, so I let go. He seems to not have wanted to hurt me. “My master is… to put it simply, not always of the best judgment,” he says vaguely.

“What do you mean?”

“Enough.”

He gets up, making sure to not hurt me. “You're the one who is supposed to be getting interrogated, not me. Get some recharge.” He turned and left.

I feel guilty for making him angry, but he had been more patient than he should have been. I'm not going to pester him anymore; what use was it, except to make him angry and make the others angrier. It was stupid of me to pry. He had an energy that I could feel meet with mine. That was no excuse to pry and poke into his business, though. I resolved to leave him alone and accept my fate. I've burnt enough of a bridge and I've been here such a short time. I'll see what operation is in store for me tomorrow. I climb in the bed, and drifted to sleep, the image of Starscream's pained face drifting away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been fun to try to edit and try to have make sense. First fic means first run with all this. May edit some more later.


	3. Wakey, Wakey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The big day has come. I'm about to get cut open by a doctor whose skills with human bodies I question. We'll see if I make it out alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little on the short side, I may go back through and change that, though.

Wakey wakey, little femme.”

The big day has come. I'm going to be cut open and have these… things, implanted in me. Knockout was soon by my bed, as he always is when he wakes me up. “I don't want to do this.”

“I haven't much of a choice,” he said. “Master's orders. If I don't, I'll be a mangled pile of scrap and you'll be at the mercy of Shockwave trying to do this. He's got a lot less of a spark than I do. He probably wouldn't even put you under. Anyways….” He held out a servo.

“Why do I have to be cut up? Why can't there just be something… something outside of me…?” Surely they had the technology somewhere.

“You've already got the external ones. They'll work with the internally placed ones and we'll be able to save you a lot of pain.” 

I don't see how this is possible, but I reluctantly climb out from under the covers and into his pointy digits. He lets me sit comfortably in his servo as he takes me to the med bay.  "How is this going to save me pain if you're cutting me open and putting little things in me that will most likely give me no access to privacy...?"

"The way the information would be obtained is much more painful," he said, his red optics filled with... was it, _concern?_   "You'd be either tortured until you relented, or Shockwave would opt to try a cortical psychic patch on you.  He would do it, but I am not certain he has developed one that won't instantly destroy your processor."

"What's a... the thing you were just talking about?"

"Cortical psychic patch?  It's a procedure that allows one to look into the mind of another," he explained.  "Nothing is safe.  Shockwave invented it, he knows all the fine details of it.  It's not a long term answer, as it only allows access to past information and I am guessing that is why he hasn't tried it on you.  He is seeking current and future data."

"Does Shockwave invent everything that's sick and twisted in this world?"  Sure seemed like he does.  I clung to Knockout's servo as the anxiety about the procedure grew.

"He would like to take credit for that," Knockout said as we entered the med bay.

Of course… there was fucking Shockwave. Knockout had better not let the sick fuck anywhere near my open wounds.  He held out a servo.  "The subject."

And I'm handed off to Shockwave.  I have no idea what he is going to do to me, and I'm sure my face is white enough for him to notice how terrified I really am.  "You'd best settle before Knockout puts you under," he said.

"It would be easier if you would just leave me alone...."

His optic fixed on me, and he squeezed me very tightly.  "If I wanted to leave you alone, as you say, I would be performing a few... less than ideal experiments on you, and disposing of your organic mess," he replied.  His hold on me is unbearably painful.  "Perhaps once Lord Megatron has obtained what he so desires to know... he will oblige me and allow me to."

"You're hurting me," I said quietly, tears streaming down my face.  Between him threatening to destroy me and being squeezed this tightly, I'm becoming a crying mess.

He laid me down on a cold surface.  "Once Knockout has removed consciousness from your processor, you won't be hurting so much.  Quit whining."   After securing me to what I'm guessing is Knockout's… dissection table, we'll call it, Shockwave brings over the devices. They're really small, but I'm still not thrilled about them. Knockout was soon by my side.  He stuck a needle into my arm. “We'll see you after these are in,” he said softly.

“Knockout….”

I didn't have time to say anything else. A warm, sleepy feeling drifted over me, and everything went black.

 

*********

 

Everything hurts. My head feels like it's going to explode, my chest is tight, and my neck… I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to move it again. The light hurts my eyes. I'm going to keep them closed for now. Oh, and now I'm fucking topless. I'm sure I'm being eyed a bit….

“Everything all right, little femme?”

Knockout had the sense to speak softly to me. He was now carefully tending to the sites of the procedures. I opened my eyes out of curiosity; whatever he was doing made the wounds heal clean. No scars. This was one good thing at least.  After he did… whatever he was doing, the pain subsided significantly.

“I… I'm fine, I guess,” I replied. “Everything hurts.”

“I'm working on that,” he assured. “I'm still learning about how human pain receptors work. Let's see if this development works.”

Ugh. Trusting him was so hard. He's a lot bigger than me, so it's not like I can do anything about it.  “How long am I going to be… down?”

“Not very long,” he drawled. “I think once I'm done patching you up here, you'll be good to go. You might want to recharge for a bit though.”

The drugs are still lingering in my system, so I'm definitely tired. The pain is all that's keeping me awake.  “How much longer? I'm tired….”

“Patience. I'm still working.” I almost feel like he's taking his sweet ass time because I'm half naked and at his mercy.  Are these creatures interested in humans like that?  I haven't seen a female one yet, so... I have no idea what heterosexual attraction looks like in these beings.  Maybe there were no females...?

“You know no one cares about how you look, right?”

Shockwave. Fucker must be able to read the thoughts now… because he had just commented on me feeling like I was being eyed up.  "And yes, we experience arousal and attraction, for some it does apply to organics, there are females of our species, and they are similarly built to organics."

“How… why…?”

“The purpose of the fucking thing is to read you. Why are you so surprised it actually works?” He clicked away at his monitor. “I wasn't planning on putting something non-functioning in your system and wasting my time. Wouldn't be... _logical_.”

Why.  _ Why _ did he have to be like this, while I'm here, very vulnerable, and stripped of my dignity?   Knockout was now tending to my head and neck wounds, causing my pain to subside yet more.  For such a huge creature with sharp digits, he is surprisingly gentle.

"Are all of my thoughts this... exposed?"

"Everything you think about is translated into data that we can monitor," he said.  "There are more advanced things I could see; however, I only require reactions and scientific data."

"Advanced...?"

"If Lord Megatron were to request such, I have the ability to see what you are doing, any time."

I want to just curl up and die. "Will you... ever take it out?"

"You'd want me to waste Knockout's time by having him take out the things he worked so hard to put in?"

"... no...."

After he got everything patched up, Knockout released me and handed my clothes back to me. He had the compassion to not watch me while I put them on, as well as not openly ogle me in general. He picked me up as gently as was possible, and carried me to my quarters. He was careful with his movements to not jostle me around. Upon reaching my bed, he laid me down carefully and… no way…  _ he tucked me in _ .

“T-thank you,” I said softly. “You actually… treat me… like I'm alive….”

“Because you are, little femme,” he said quietly. “Shockwave is like this to everyone: makes them feel like scrap intentionally, gives himself as much power as possible, acts controlling… he's unfortunately especially brutal to humans, I'm finding.”

Knockout at least has some empathy. I'm getting sleepy, and I'm drifting off. I didn't see him leave, and there were no heavy footsteps before I was out.

 

*********

 

I don't know how long it's been, or what time of day it is. Actually, I haven't known what time of day it is for a while.  I remember Knockout taking me back here, but I think I fell asleep right after that. He's not here right now, so who knows.

My door opens, and I expected Knockout to be doing his usual strut into the room. But it was Soundwave. I haven't interacted with him before, so I'm not sure what to expect. “Eh… hello, Soundwave.”

He moved to my bedside, nodding to acknowledge my greeting, but did nothing else. I really wanted him to say something, so I continue: “You… look nice today.”

Still nothing but a little nod.

This is making me nervous. I want him to talk, but I'm too awkward with small talk to really keep pressing for a response. “How… how are you today?”

His mask lit up with… well, sound waves, and that wasn't his voice talking. “Bring the subject here, I am interested in our… _progress_.”

_ Megatron _ .

“You're… taking me to see the master?” 

He nodded. A tentacle appeared and carefully wrapped its claw end around me, being careful not to squeeze too hard. He picked me up and carried me carefully past the med bay and into… somewhere. Lots of flashy screens and huge monitors. Megatron was there, along with Shockwave, Knockout, and Starscream. Soundwave set me in front of Megatron. “Excellent work, Soundwave,” he said.

“Hello… master,” I said quietly, trying to show some level of respect.  Being right in front of him drove home how big he is.  And I had at one point thought Knockout was massive.

“Ah, I see you've got a better attitude than you've been having with Shockwave,” he mocked. “Knockout, pick up the subject so that I may see it more closely.”

“Could you… pick me up yourself?” I ask softly.

“No, I cannot!” he snapped. “I don't need organic gunk rubbed into my finish.”

I climbed into Knockout's servo, and he lifted me closer to the face of his master. I'm trying to stay calm and be careful what I do… and think. Fucking Shockwave will tell on me, no doubt. “What is it you wanted to see me for, master?” I asked.

“I've been informed of your procedure, and it appears you've pulled through,” he said. “I'm having Shockwave do some analysis while I speak with you. To see how humans react to authority.”

_ Ugh. Such arrogance. _

“Be careful, human,” Shockwave said, looking up from his data pad. “I can see every emotion, every part of your mind. And you're standing in front of your master.”

I began to shake. This is very, very difficult. “Master… what do you want from me?”

“What is it that Shockwave warned you to be careful about?” he asked. “And you can't lie, he will know if you do.” He smiled. Sick bastard, taking pleasure in my pain.

“You… can ask him, can't you?”

“I could, but watching the color draining from your face is… satisfying.”

Trying to control my anger, I replied, “I thought it was… arrogant, to want to see me react to your ‘authority’.” I refused to make eye contact.

“It's fun to watch you cower,” he commented, leaning closer to me. “If the truth is that my awareness of my authority is arrogance, I'm fine with being arrogant.” He laughed softly. “I've so much to learn about you, human… I cannot wait to see what my medic's experiments reveal, and what my scientist's data shows. I think your defiant attitude, once broken and redirected to more productive causes, will make you a fine Decepticon.”

This guy is fucking scary. “What if I don't--”

“You'll be a Decepticon, whether you like it or not. In fact… my next step will hopefully be to have the mark placed on you. You've got plenty of marks as it is, what's one more?”

Well… guess it's another tattoo. I don't really want it, but who am I to complain about free ink.

Megatron was searing into me with his red optics. Those burning, evil red optics. “What's on your mind, human? Or would you like me to… perhaps… read it?” He laughed a lot louder this time.

_ Don't lunge at him. Don't say anything. He's trying to get a reaction _ . What is it with these creatures and trying to piss me off by humiliating me? I know they don't want me dead, but they're setting me up to snap and awaken the master’s anger. My own anger dissolved into humiliation, and I can feel tears coming. Nothing I feel or think is secret anymore. I'm an open book, and the words and pictures are on the device in Shockwave’s servos.

“What, human, did I _scare_ you?” Megatron is amused by my pain. “Shockwave.” He reached and took the device from the scientist. “Nothing is safe, creature! You're mine now!” 

Please. Stop.

“Hmm… so much I could go through… your memories are accessible too, when you are thinking of them,” he mused. “Don't try to hide it… you can't. And if you can… I'll beat them out of you.”

I can't take it anymore. I let the tears fall. I clutched one of Knockout's digits as the feelings hit me. “Master… please….”

“Mmm, you  _ beg _ ,” he mocked.

“Stop,  _ please _ ! I'm living, I have feelings, please, stop!” I'm done with him. I just want to go back to bed and never leave.

“As are we all, human. You're not special.” My eyes are closed, but I can feel that burning red stare. “Get this feelings slag out of here, you're making it harder to find anything!  Don't make me have Shockwave remove your emotions too.”

“Take me back to my quarters,” I beg Knockout. “Please… make it stop….”

“My Lord, I am not one to question your… all knowing wisdom, but… upon retrieval, you did tell the creature you wouldn't torture her,” came Starscream's voice.

“Silence, Starscream,” Megatron grumbled. “I change my mind, and I will do as I see fit. Enjoy the show.”

“Is it necessary to put her under so much stress so soon after an operation?” Starscream might have been pissed at me, but he was…  _ defending me _ . “She's of no use if she's dead.”

“Starscream, do you like the thing or something?”

“Of course not, Master,” Starscream said quickly. “I just think that it's a… waste of time to torture her for fun.”

"I did say this was an experiment, and this experiment will be done as I see fit."  Those burning optics seared into me with his cruelty.  "Humans appear to have a wide spectrum of emotions, and I would love to unlock _all_ of them."

“If I may offer my medical opinion… she may not be ready for such strenuous emotional activity,” Knockout interjected. 

Megatron's optics moved between the two of them. “Very well,” he sighed. “I can watch from the comfort of my own quarters, I suppose. Soundwave, return the subject.”

A small nod. He took me from Knockout's servo and carried me back to my room, just as he had brought me from it. He laid me down in my bed.

“Soundwave… thank you.”

He nodded.

“Soundwave… can you… speak to me?”

He shook his head, almost imperceptibly. 

“Why not?”

He didn't move, but stared at me. He displayed a message on his mask. “I do not speak.”

I hung my head. “I only wish I could speak with you, Soundwave,” I sigh.  “You’re a pretty mech and everyone seems to love you.”

He was silent. As expected. Those sound waves appeared on his mask again. “ _ I don't need organic gunk rubbed into my finish _ .”

_ The little shit just used Megatron’s words. _

_ Wow _ . How fucking rude.  I went from distraught to furious. “ _Fine_ , I'll leave you alone then.”

He wasn't done being a little shit yet.  He displayed what looked like a smiley face emoji on his mask.

The level of infuriating he is should be illegal.  "You think this is funny?"

A nod, with that fucking smiley face still there.

"Ugh, just leave me alone then.  I thought you were an all right guy."

He nodded, then left without another sound.  I'm sure he is going to go tell Megatron about my loss of patience with him.

“Everyone around here is a fucking jackass,” I grumbled.


	4. Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm getting closer to energon exposure. I've been tattooed (or branded, really), and I'm having difficulty hating the doctor who is hurting me.

Throughout the next several days, everything was the same: breakfast (of course, while being watched by Knockout; I've gotten used to it actually), being secured and interrogated about whatever Shockwave had found from my sensors and monitors, whatever other food they felt like giving me, being told to go to sleep. More devices and monitors attached to me (thankfully no more implanted ones or permanent ones for now), more needles and injections, along with blood removal for examination. The countless new substances in my body have got me tired and numb as all hell. I don't know what they're trying to achieve, but I feel sick, tired, and lethargic. It occurred to me one day to ask Knockout what all these injections were.

He had retrieved the necessary materials and tools for none other than a blood draw.  And he sure as hell took a lot, because a little would be impossible for what the medic and Shockwave were doing.  As he stabbed me with that huge, thick needle (my eyes were watering from both the sensation of the blood leaving me and the needle), I asked, “What are all these injections?”

“Nothing but a little system boost to prepare you for cybertronian sustenance,” he assured me. He watched as the blood left my body and collected in a container for examination.  He seems to be able to take an obscene amount of blood from me without killing me or fully disabling me for some time. I don’t know how he does it, but… I’m still alive. “So… how does all this shit not kill me, besides what you said before, and how do you take almost as much blood as I have without me being disabled or dead?”

“You’ve no right to question that.”

Apparently Starscream had decided to tag along.

“But--”

“Shut up.”  He was so harsh with me over this, but  _ why _ ?

Knockout, after holding up a servo to warn Starscream to be quiet, removed the needle once he had collected the amount of blood he desired.  After he had carefully secured it in its container and placed it safely out of harm’s way, he brought a thick needle with some substance in it over.  He stuck it in my neck. These ones scared me the most, because if he made one wrong move… I would bleed out. He clearly was careful though, because I’d never seen so much as a drop of blood come from the site of the injection.

“Do you not see the one I put into your neck?” he asked.  “Through my gatherings, Shockwave has managed to produce an exact replica of your blood, with some different substances already in it.  Ones that do not require being directly deposited.”

Damn.   As much as I hated Shockwave, creating exact replicas of blood was pretty impressive.  “Why so many of these different things?”

“Simple,” he said as he prepared the next one, which went into my arm.  The liquid, whatever it was, hurt like hell as it entered my veins. It burned every little capillary it traveled through, causing my whole arm to feel as if it were burning.  “If I were to do just one, you would die. I, and others, have not come up with any one thing to produce the results we want. Got to have one to relieve the side effects of the other; and sometimes, that side effect is death.”

_ Great _ .  I’m fucking trusting this vain, cheerio-eyed doctor, who had no real experience with humans, with my life.  Again. Why, just  _ why _ , pump things into me that would kill me, then another that stopped it from killing me…? “Why does the side effect have to be death…?”

“Do you think I want death to be on the table for such an important operation?”  He stuck a needle in my other arm. Cue more very painful liquids entering me. This one felt more like a sharp stabbing sensation… I would give anything to not have to have this happening.  “I don’t want to kill you, little femme. If I did I would have already done it. I have so many things that would have killed you instantly. You’ve not been in contact with them because… well, I don’t want you to die.”

There was an odd warmth in his tone. It hardly made his statement reassuring though... at least not dying was an objective.  I’ve spent a lot of time with Knockout, since he knew enough about what he was doing to administer these substances and monitor my physical health.  Shockwave, when he was there, simply looked at a monitor almost the entire time I’ve been here, clicking away at numbers and various other things. I didn’t mind Knockout, but every time I saw him, he was sticking things into me. At least he always said something funny that made my visits less painful.  Despite this, I had grown to like him slightly. It didn’t help that he was kind of cute.

“You know….” he mused.  “Some mechanical devices implanted in your organic one will speed up the process and make the transition less painful….”

I draw the line here.   _ He. Is. Not. Cutting. Me. Open. Again. _  “You are a mech doctor, not a human surgeon,” I protested.  “You’ve managed to put things into me, but I somehow feel like you’re not qualified to take things in and out… organs that keep me alive…?”  By now, my chest has started to hurt as the substances reached my heart. This accelerated the rate of my pain spreading all over. It’s excruciating, but I’ve become used to it.

He raised an optic ridge and withdrew a data pad from his various collections of them.  “You forget… Lord Megatron would not have set me to the task if he did not believe I was qualified to perform these procedures.  I have studied extensively for this project.” He showed me the data pad. Sure enough… what he was showing me appeared to be human surgical and medical procedures.  He saw my face and said, “I’m a bit more than looks, am I not? I look good, sound good, and am good at almost anything tasked to me by Lord Megatron. And existing. I’m just all around good.”  He returned the data pad to its place.

His vanity was infuriating, but… self love, I guess.  He could donate a little here if he wanted to…. “Knockout… how did you come to love yourself so much?”

“I came with it, mostly,” he replied.  “I also chose an alt mode that makes me feel sexy, and well… it all adds up.  I’ve never had a reason to  _ not _ like myself.”  

His last statement seemed…  _ true _ .  Had I ever had a reason to not love myself?  Not really, nothing I could control anyway. “I mean… I am all right with myself, but you… I’ve never seen someone so confident.”

“Confidence is sexy, and so am I,” he said, smiling.

“Oh, puh-lease,” Starscream mocked. 

I wanted to slap Knockout (and Starscream, if I’m being perfectly honest), but he was too right, no matter how irritating he was.  His confidence in his abilities has kept me alive so far, despite having foreign liquids pumped into me, full of who fucking knows what.   

“Oh, I do have one more thing needing done while you’re here today,” Knockout mused.  He brought over some sort of… tool, that looked like a blow torch. Good lord, please let it be something else….

“Please tell me this isn’t going to involve fire and flames, because I’m organic and those two things don’t mix well with our nervous systems.”  Lord, I never, in my wildest dreams, thought that I would be torched…. Starscream was smirking as he watched us.

“Not entirely,” Knockout assured me.  He also had something thin, shiny and metallic purple in his servo.  “You have marks all over you, this should be no problem.”  _ It was the Decepticon mark _ ….

“Human tattoos are done with needles and ink, not heat….”

“All I need the heat for is to melt this enough that it will sink into your fin-- skin,” he explained.

Well, this wasn’t how I planned my next tattoo to go, but hopefully this didn’t hurt more than human tattoos.... “How bad is this going to hurt?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never had it done, seems how I don’t have an organic finish,” he said casually.  He pressed the shiny thing onto my neck, on the opposite side of my large neck tattoo (he was courteous enough to work around my current tattoo).  He spent a few moments smoothing it with his digits. “Ready?”

“No, but I imagine you’re going to do it anyway.”

He pulled my hair aside.  I closed my eyes tightly, a tear slipping from my left eye due to all the pain my arms are in, and the searing pain hit my neck.  I screamed; it hurt like hell. I mean…  _ he was holding flames just a short distance from my neck, right by my fucking arteries that keep me alive _ .  This was absolute torture.  “MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE, I BEG YOU….”

“Shut up!” Starscream shouted.  “Our Master has ordered it; do not dare to question his judgment on what is necessary for you!”

A few agonizing moments later, he stopped.  “It looks plenty sunken in,” he remarked.

“Why was that necessary?!” I panted.  They had said something about not torturing me, but they were doing exactly that. Talk about going back on your words.

“Unfortunately,” Knockout replied, “Lord Megatron wanted you marked as soon as possible, and it didn’t take Shockwave very long to come up with something metallic that will not fade and will show up much more brightly once you have more energon in your system.”

Welp, I’m now a Decepticon and I don’t have any choice.  There is no chance of going back to the humans now, with this fucking thing on my neck.  From the extent of my pain, that was definitely not a small tattoo.

“It’s already shining and looking spectacular,” Knockout commented.  “It looks good on you.”

“Thanks…?”  I’m not sure how I’m supposed to react to that.

After I left this session, I was just as weak, lethargic, and in pain as usual.  I’m getting tired of being secured to Knockout’s work space, but I guess it kept me from moving when all those needles went in.  I wanted to go back to bed and collapse, and sleep off all this weird shit in my bloodstream. Knockout had taken me back to my room, but had done nothing else.  Fuck it. I climbed into the bed, and almost instantly fell asleep, despite my neck burning like all hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit's wild man. I actually had an all right time writing this, and editing was surprisingly easy. My apologies for the fact that it is a little on the short side .-.


	5. Screaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He has the same energy as me... I just want to talk to him...

My compliance has worked for one thing: I've now earned the right to leave my quarters with supervision. Usually Soundwave is the one with me, so that I’m under the supervision of his master as well. That bastard could fucking share everything with everyone. It wasn't much better than being confined, but it was nice to have different scenery for a change.

Starscream was being more harsh with me, when he wasn't avoiding me.  Just like he had been when I was having a piece of metal torched into my neck.  Every time I was being put into my shackles for interrogation and treatments, he smirked, and occasionally snapped at me to shut up if he didn't like what I was saying or doing. I really had messed up by making him angry.

Today, now that I'm feeling a little better and my neck doesn't feel like someone tried to tear it out, I'm out here wandering (with Soundwave watching me closely), taking in the scenery. Everything was dark and dimly lit. I didn't mind though, being a goth girl and all. There were many other residents, who eyed me suspiciously. I still don't know who all of them are. This place was vast. I've not seen all of it, and I doubt I ever will.

All of a sudden, I can hear some faint sound. It wasn't talking or arguing.

It was  _ screaming _ .

I'm concerned, but try my best to not make that evident to Soundwave. I can't tell when he's looking at me or not, which is irritating. I'll just wander aimlessly closer until I could run away from my assigned companion. Unless he knows something I don't, it shouldn't set any suspicion off.

As we wander closer, the sound did become louder and clearer. I still can't tell what it is exactly, but it's getting more concerning. The only tactic I can think of is darting into a place Soundwave couldn't see me, then running to the disturbance.

_ “Do not even think about trying to escape. I'd not like to terminate you, as you seem ideal for this operation, but should you try to escape or go out of line… you'll be finding out how much pain you really can take.” _

I could almost hear Megatron's voice echoing those words in my head. Ugh, why did this have to be made so difficult? There was only one other possibility to find out.

“Soundwave?”

The ‘con gazes down at me. I can't tell what he's thinking or if he even is caring at all. “That… that noise… what is it?” I tried to keep my tone curious as I asked 

He says nothing, but is still looking at me. It's almost as if he is considering what to do. Without warning, one of his tendrils reaches and closes around me, knocking the wind straight out of me. “W-what….”

He, of course, says nothing. He carried me closer to the direction of the noise. We were so close… if he could just walk a little further….

But now I know whose screams it was.

_ Starscream's _ .

What in the hell could he be screaming about? He sounded like he was in horrible pain though…. “Soundwave, we have to help him… please just help….”

If it was possible, he squeezes me tighter. That's definitely a no. My arms are digging into my ribs now, and that's fucking painful. He turns me around and on his mask, a small scene appeared, audio and all. 

“ _ Please Master, it's not my fault, I didn't _ ….”

_ Megatron hit him straight in the chest, then kicked him hard while he was down. “I can't believe you would speak about me like that to the human! The impressionable creature! I'm not having a rebellious rat along with you _ !”  _ He picks up Starscream by his wings, then slams him to the ground. A bright blue substance is now leaking from Starscream's wounds _ . 

“ _ M-master… how _ ….”

“ _ I am well aware of the things that happen around here! You should know that, you scrap head! Get out of my sight, away! Stop being such a pathetic pile of scrap! Take your whining somewhere else, and don't you even DARE talk to that human like that again, or you'll never be seeing it again and you'll be right fucking here again _ !”

_ Starscream did his best to get up, and he's limping away….  _

“I can't take it anymore.” I'm crying as Soundwave holds me. He stops playing the feed. Holy shit, he  _ does _ know everything around here….

I'm now certain that I will never think to step out of line again, because Megatron was…  _ horrible _ . Just absolutely heartless (or spark-less, to be more accurate). I want to know where Starscream is. I want to comfort him and help… I'm thinking he'll be heading to Knockout for some patching up. “I want to see him,” I whimper.

Soundwave shook his head ever so slightly.

“No,  _ please _ … why not?”

His response is to take me back to my quarters. He shamelessly lays me on my bed, then departs. I'm crying into my pillow, my body hurting from the pressure of Soundwave's hold on me, plus the usual agony from the injections. I don't know why I'm crying. The bastard had called me names and watched countless operations be performed on me. But I'm here, crying like a fool over a being that couldn't care less about me… who would happily get rid of me and laugh cruelly as the light left my eyes… maybe I’m just sensitive….

_ I just want to see him _ . I hope my thoughts and reactions are being received and observed by Shockwave, so that he would try to placate me by sending the hurt mech to my quarters.  Or, maybe I don’t want him to know and think I’m really, really stupid. Even more than he already thinks.

I can't just go to sleep knowing full well my favorite mech was hurt. It hurts me. Which is something I've actually never felt before. As the sound of his screaming replayed in my head, it hit me:  _ I know why I'm crying _ .

I was heavily bullied and tormented from a young age all the way up to a few years ago. And I'm not talking the typical name calling, shaming, and usual dumb kid stuff. I have been beaten black and blue so many times I've lost count. I've had broken bones, having been beaten for the entertainment of others. I've been dumped out in the woods after being drugged by people I thought were friends. I have been sexually assaulted multiple times. I could go on, but you get the idea. It's all coming back now, being a young woman at the mercy of a group of cruel people, being stripped of both my clothes and my dignity… the night I was violated…

I liked Starscream because he had the same energy:  _ beaten, abused, unloved _ . He hid it with anger and hatred. I hid it with denial: lying to myself that I'm all right now. I've hurt myself a fair few times, but have since found other ways to cover the pain. I just want to hold Starscream's servos (or however many of his talons I could hold at once) and tell him I understood. But he would lie and say he was fine and nothing hurt. He would get angry at me for seeing through his defenses. I still wanted to give him a chance to let go for a little while.

After some time, Knockout appeared suddenly, breaking my thoughts. He was likely bringing my food. I sat up with my tear stained face and waited for him to do his usual watching me eat. Once he was close enough, I ask “Is… is Starscream all right?”

The medic raised an optic ridge. “How do you know of such things?”

Not wanting to get Soundwave in trouble (is that possible though?), I reply “I just… I knew and I heard about it in passing.”

He clearly didn't buy my lie, but pressed no further. “He'll be fine. Always has recovered, nothing will change. I've got him patched up just fine.”

I began to eat, noticing that something was off about my food. It's not tasting the way it should. “What's up with my food?”

Knockout laughs softly. “You're starting your energon doses,” he replies. “My blood analysis has determined that your body should, in fact, be able to process it in very small amounts. I pride myself in the developments I’ve come up with to ready you for it.”

This shit was nasty. I forced it all down, my stomach now upset. “Please tell Starscream I want to see him.”

Knockout sighs as he gets up. “I can tell you he won't care, but I'll try anyway.”

“Thank you.”

“Is that what you've been leaking lubricant over?”

What in the  _ hell _ …? “What do you mean?”

“The human term for it escapes me, but you appear to be unusually distressed and your face is covered in… what is it called for humans?”

He's referring to my tear covered face. “It's called  _ crying _ ,” I sigh. “And yes, I am in fact crying.”

“Very well, I'll tell the mech but I can't guarantee anything.” With that, he struts out and is gone.

_ I have to admit, he's got a nice aft _ .

I returned to burying my face in the pillows, my stomach now horribly upset.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep the food down, it’s making me so sick. I am definitely not ready to consume energon, since it’s making me really sick.  Ugh, I will never be able to consume this stuff… after all, I’m literally ingesting chemicals…. I found a position to settle into where I was the least queasy, and waited for sleep to overcome me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sry this one is short... next one is long, I promise!


	6. I Like You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if Starscream will come. I only wish he could, so that I could comfort him. Not that he would accept such things...
> 
> I never guessed where this would be going.

I can’t sleep.  Between the nausea and pain, I cannot lose consciousness.

I'm not surprised that Starscream hasn't come. It's about time for bed and he has not come. No surprise. I stared into the distance, feeling numb.  _ I just want to comfort him _ . 

I jump hard as the door opens and a pair of red optics shine through the dark. “I… was told you wanted to see me.”  His tone was gruff and irritable.

He did come! I hurry out of the bed to greet the mech. “I do want to, Commander Starscream.”

He knelt so that his face was closer to me, wearing a very confused expression. It was slightly disfigured from the wounds, but otherwise he was his same majestic self. “Why would a human want to see me? I am hardly interested in such interactions, but I suppose today I can make an exception.”

I reach hesitantly for one of his talons. He didn't pull away, which was a good sign. “You're… you're hurt….”

“That doesn't matter.” He brushed my words off. “Same shit, different day. I'm fine, no need to worry.”

“Look… I've been hurt too.”

His optics narrowed. “I don't really believe you.  What would a human know of pain?”

How could I expect anything other than that? “We feel things, remember? I've been beaten black and blue, my bones have broken before from being beaten and abused, and my ‘friends’ thought it would be fun to drug me and dump me off somewhere… I know it's nothing like what you're going through, but… for a human that's a lot.”

He raises an optic ridge. “Your species are no better than mindless beasts, as I suspected.”

He was beating around what I want to know and help with. “Look… I know this is likely of no importance to you, but let me tell you something that I don’t tell anyone.”  I hesitated. “I… used to hurt so much….” I raised my sleeve to reveal self harm scars, visible as raised scars under my tattoos.. “I dragged a knife through my skin more than once… I tried to kill myself once… that's the deep, big one. I hurt. You hurt.”  I had never gone into detail about the large scars on my wrists... I don't know why I'm suddenly spilling out my darker side, but I guess I'm trying to emphasize my pain so that he understands that I relate.

“I don’t know what you expect me to see in this,” he insisted.  “I only mind the physical pain. Succumbing to mental pain is far below me.  I told you, I hold no feelings for anyone or anything! Except myself because I’ve never hurt me or let me down! Did you not see what my master did to me for admitting just one small statement? For offhandedly telling you that I thought he was not of the soundest judgment?  That.  _ That _ is why I do not allow myself to indulge deeply in feelings. You are young, inexperienced, and haven’t seen enough to get to that point….” He stopped.  “Well, I suppose you, might have, I don’t know. Either way, this matter is pointless to be discussing.”

“I still have feelings,” I reply, a little hurt that he had completely brushed off my mention of my suicide attempt. Perhaps suicide is a foreign concept to mechs. “I know what you are.  You’re an abused, tortured, seemingly unloved mech who has himself to love and be loved by. You don’t let anyone in, or anything out. You’ve spent your entire eternity like that and I  _ do _ think that if you just take a break and let some things out… you will be able to better function.”   _ Fuck, I think I just said too much _ .  It had all poured out of me; probably because I relate and I couldn’t watch him suffer the way I did, and still do to some degree.

“How… no, I… why would you say that…?! … absolutely not… you’ve no right to tell me….” I know he’s trying to sound indignant and offended, but… that’s not working. He's tripping over words, likely because he didn't have any to match his intended presentation. His optics were narrowed, but otherwise no sign of actual anger were present.

“Starscream, I believe that you see and hear the things that torment you the most, when you’re lying in your berth trying to sleep -- recharge, I mean.  You hear and see awful things that have happened and been said to you, and letting those feelings out would hurt.”

Even in the dark, I can see something leaking from the corner of his optics. Almost as if he was…  _ crying _ . A pale blue tear slid from each of his optics when he closed them. “I don't want to talk about it.” His voice was breaking a little, and he pulled his servo away.  “I can’t indulge in emotions the way you do, all right? And even if I can, I won’t. I’m discussing this no further.” He attempted to hide his face, but the damage was done.

“You  _ do _ want to, but you think you'll feel something ‘weak’ if you do.  Opening up is tough, but I think you’ll feel better.”

“And why would I want to? That fucking Soundwave… he'll catch it, show Lord Megatron, and I'll be scrap. My master would have my spark for allowing such an experience for myself... as he would believe it to cloud my judgment.” He took a deep breath (or in-vent. I'm not entirely sure what cybertronians call it). “I'm fine. Nothing to see. I'll be leaving if all you want to do is prod at me and try to find a weakness. Because I damn well have none and you’re wasting your time and mine.  I don’t need a  _ human _ prying into my rather extensive life, most of which is beyond your comprehension.”  He stood to leave.

His harshness did not deter me…. “But… Stars….”

He froze. The name had slipped right out of me.  _ Oh fuck… I'm done. He's going to kill me _ .

“The…  _ frag _ ….”

He didn't look ready to kill. He looked stunned. His optics were widened, his wings fluttered suddenly, and his face was nothing short of surprised and bewildered. I'm still worried, though. “I… I'm sorry… if I crossed a line, I didn't mean to….” Hopefully I didn't cross a line, but….

“I… I've never… been called  _ that _ … before.” His defenses were crumbling, whether he intended for it or not.

_ Fuck _ . He was going to turn on me any second now, for finding a weakness. “My apologies, Commander, I should have thought… I meant no disrespect….”

“Stand back.”

Well, there it is.  I’m done. I move away, hoping he wasn't about to step on me. Quite the opposite happened: with a lot of metal on metal, he brought himself down to almost human size. I'm fucking stunned. “ _ How _ in the fucking fuck….”

“Mass displacement,” he replied. “Makes me smaller, since being massive doesn't always work for me.”

His servos were small enough now for me to coil my fingers been the digits. I wasn't about to attempt that, but I took a few steps forward. “Why do it now?”

“Because I want to.”

That was a lie; I could see that and I’m not good at deciphering meanings of things people say.  “You do, there’s no denying that… I think you’ve got something more to it that you don’t want to let on.”

He didn't answer. He moved until we were right in front of each other. “I… don't know.”  His wings were drooped and he looked like he was about to lose it. “I suppose it is easier to… be,  _ weak _ , when I am smaller.”

I hesitantly reach for a servo, and although he does jump in hesitation and fear, he doesn't pull away. “Did you want to go to a more comfortable place?” I gently pull him toward the edge of my bed and sat, hoping he'd get the idea and do the same. He followed uncertainly.

“I… hope I didn't cross any lines,” I say hesitantly. I'm watching him carefully for any signs that he was about to plunge those sharp talons into me and kill me.

“No… no. That's not it.”

I look at him, trying to make it clear that I'm listening.

“No one has… ever… called me… any sort of endearments… I can't explain it….” Now he was undoubtedly crying.  “No one… has ever… cared… and I never thought I...  _ wanted _ anyone to.”

What had I  _ done _ here…? Last time I saw him, he was telling me to shut up and deal with the preparations to get me ready to consume energon. No matter how much pain I was in, he always told me to shut up or hold still. Now… I've got this arrogant, harsh mech crying. I'm so confused, what had happened…? “Is that why you've been so harsh towards me? You didn't want me to care?”

“I have… never felt cared for, and I feared that Lord Megatron was using you to break me down… but you called me to your quarters when I was hurt, and here you are, comforting me and listening to me after all the cruel things I've said…. I've been afraid of feeling something I've never felt before….” He paused, allowing himself to pull it together a little. “You're here after my attempts to push you away, and I suppose… it has affected me. No one has ever gone so far as to care for me….”

“Stars, have you ever stopped and thought… that you  _ are _ cared for, and you lock yourself away and bury your feelings out of fear and denial, and you… don't feel like anyone does because of it?”  _ Hell, I had done the same thing _ . “I've… lied about my feelings too. No one knew how badly I was hurting. Until I tried to… end myself. I couldn't save face anymore. I had to say it. “Stars… I  _ do _ care about you.”

“Please… don't….”

“I do and you’re going to have to live with it.”

“No, I mean... definitely reconsider that, yes.  But I meant… don’t offline yourself.”

Had he really just said he wouldn't want me to commit suicide…? “I… I really have no plan to.”  Not to lie, it still lingered as a last resort, but it wasn’t something I was planning actively.

He looked deep into me, lubricant still flowing from his optics. Not a sight I thought I would see in all my time of existence. “You… saying you hurt so much… trying to offline yourself… I… have no real means of ‘hurting’ myself physically… it's not even an idea amongst our kind… I… realized that… I have considered trying to offline. It's not so easy… I'd have to really set it up… I've thought of it.  There’s no purpose, no one would care. It would be ruled as an accident and nothing more would be done.”

I'm not surprised, but I'm moved. I lay a hand over his servo. “I wouldn't want you to offline yourself… I didn't know that a tough mech like you would… feel that way.”  To be honest I felt like that was an insensitive thing to say, right after I said it. It’s not like they knew a human would feel that way. He moved his servo and took my hand.  I was very surprised, to say the least, but I imagine those servos hadn’t been held for comfort or caring for… millenia.

“You see what happens… I say or do one thing out of line, I'm beaten until I'm leaking energon and even then I'll be beaten more… I've been left for scrap several times… when you're laying helpless and someone still has at you, being offline forever is very… appealing.” He's shaking a little. I'm guessing he's never spoken of his hurting and this is a tough thing for him to talk about without feeling helpless.

“I was so upset when I found out you were being hurt for one small comment that I didn't really take all that much into account,” I confess to him. “Knockout found me crying into the pillows. It only hit me a short time ago that I hurt because you're hurting just like I was back then… and… y'know… I care about you, Stars.”

His optics widen a little. I can't tell if he's upset or stunned. “I… no one….” He leans a little closer. “I… like….” I'm not sure if he's about to do what I think he is, but I'm trying to go with it. “You… I… don't want to hurt… Lilith….”

My heart jolted in surprise.  _ He said my name _ . I'm not about to invade his space, but I want so much to run a hand over his face and tell him it's all right, and that he's safe. “You don't have to hurt, Stars… I'll try to make it hurt less.”

I've never seen such a fierce mech like him look so stunned and vulnerable. “I….” He keeps trying to form something coherent, but is tripping over his words again. “Don’t ever repeat this… to anyone... I was so harsh because… I care… I…  _ like _ … you.”

Fucking fuck.

_ He just said he likes me. _

I'm not sure if he means “I'm going to lean in and kiss you” like or “you really aren't that bad and I tolerate you” like. The latter would be very Starscream, but I'll take it either way.

As I'm thinking, I'm met with a sensation I've never had before:  _ Stars has leaned in and is now kissing me _ . It's different than kissing a human, but after a few moments it's not that different. He's just not quite as soft and warm as a human.  He seemed to not be entirely sure of what to do, but I feel a servo brush the side of my face while we kissed. Honestly he seemed to not want to stop, and neither did I. Every so often we'd pause and look into each other's optics for a moment, then resume. I would be lying if I said I wanted to stop, ever.

Eventually we stop and look into each other's optics, and a smile tugs at his face. “That was….” He smiled, then looked down for a moment.  “I've… never done...  _ that _ … before.”  When he looked back up, his face was colored with a faint pale blue.

I smiled too, but was internally stunned. He had never… been kissed before…? I wasn't entirely surprised, but a part of me felt sorry that he had never experienced any form of physical or emotional intimacy.  I want so badly for him to stay all night and cuddle, so I can give him the love and attention he deserves, but I doubt that's even a possibility. He would be caught and punished (thanks, Soundwave and Shockwave, you little shits). I would be scolded and possibly punished. Unless Shockwave thought it would aid his research, there was no chance for now.

He pushed me back and laid next to me, then pulled me into his arms. He's not ideal to cuddle with, but his chest is smooth enough to be comfortable. “I would stay all night,” he says softly, his voice still thick with emotion. “If we wouldn't get caught.”

“We may be clear if Shockwave becomes interested in my… reactions to… _ other _ , things.” I didn't want to talk about when we would do “the thing”, if we even got to that.   _ Why _ had I even said that…? I can’t even picture myself in such a situation. He’s a mech, I’m not.  _ Do mechs even fuck…?  Sounds like it but…  _ all I could think of is the fact that as far as I knew, I’ve never seen anatomical evidence that they do.  I know Shockwave had, at one point, said that they can have sexual interest, but… he never confirmed anything about fucking or how it was done…?

He raised an optic ridge. “Other…?”

“You know….” I'm not going to just straight out say “he just might let us and not tell Megatron if he thinks I'll have sex with you because he wants to know what humans think during sex”. “...  _ That _ . The thing.”

“Interfacing?”

I'm not sure what the hell he just said. “What?”

“Ah, I forget, you're still learning,” he said softly. “The line you cross when you really  _ want _ someone. Eh… y-you know... spikes and valves.”  His pale face was now shaded with light blue. I guess that’s his form of blushing…?  It would make sense, really.

I'm hoping we're on the same page. “Yeah… that.” I bit my lip, not sure how to tell him that I wasn't expecting it. “I… no pressure to… I was only suggesting it as a way to talk Shockwave into letting us cuddle all night….”

His optics had something in them I did not recognize. “I admit… I have thought of you in…  _ that _ way, before.”

I raised my eyebrows. “I find that a bit, surprising, I guess. I'm a squishy human.”

His optics roamed over my body. “You're….” His expression turned to one of embarrassment. “Attractive.”

I was rather stunned. Starscream? Finding me attractive…? “I… I'm flattered.” I could feel my face turn red. My eyes traveled over his body. Damn, he was gorgeous… I wondered what it would be like to stroke and massage his majestic wings… or wrap my legs around his waist….

He returned to looking nervous. “... Have you… thought….” He looked down at his servos, avoiding my gaze. “Thought of….”

I'm sure of what he's trying to say, but it was awkward to watch him be so embarrassed. “Thought of you like that?” I asked gently.

He nodded, still avoiding looking at me.

_ Fuck _ . “Y-yes….” I'm going to gloss over the other day; I'd been turned on from watching him and it drove me crazy enough to give a little love to myself….

He returned to looking at me, those burning optics fixed on me. He leaned in to kiss me. It was gentle and sweet. He made no attempt to increase the intensity.

He moved away from me, not looking as nervous now. His confidence seemed to have returned a little bit, having been told that someone found him attractive.. “Have you…?” He seemed hesitant to ask, but acted curious.

I've been with a few people, but none that I'd consider memorable or worth noting. “Uh… a few times. Nothing really noteworthy.”

His expression returned to slightly fearful.

“What's wrong?” I'm hoping having this conversation isn't freaking him out.

“I've… never….” His voice shook a little. “I've never… done it. I’ve never had all that much interest… I don't much enjoy being that close to anyone for the most part….”

“Stars, that's nothing to worry about. If you haven't found someone you want to go that far with, you… don't have to.” How have we gotten to this level of conversation? I'm pretty sure it's my fault and I hope I'm not pushing him away or making him nervous. I feel like I have some idea of where this is going….

“You… will still like me?”

Fuck.

_ He wants to fuck me _ . I guess mechs  _ do _ fuck after all. And apparently some of them want to fuck tiny, squishy humans with tattoos.

“Of course.” I'm not sure if I'm concerned, excited, or losing my mind. I did  _ not _ know that fucking him was even possible for me. I'm actually down for it (this sounds  _ really _ hot), but I don't want him to just… get what he wants and go. He did just open up to me though, so I don't really know where this is going.  He is a virgin though… this weighed into my thoughts. Either he wants to have sex to lose his virginity, which meant he might go on his merry way, or he has simply never trusted anyone else enough to be that physically affectionate and he is letting some of his walls down.

“We don't have to do it now.” He must have noticed my expression. “I mean… if you want to… but… I… don't want you to think… I'm here to frag and go.”

He seems interested in more than a one night stand. “Stars, you promise this won't be the only time, ever?” I ask gently. “I'm not into one time things and I don't want to disappoint either of us.”

“No, no… you… listen to me,” he quivered. “I… can't… let go of that.”

I sure hope he's not lying, because I am inclined to fuck him. I've not done it in a long time, and I've certainly never done it with someone I'd really opened up to. I hadn't intended this evening to go like this, but… I also hadn't intended a lot of things in the past week. I had seen him cry, and honestly I'm not sure he would disappear after that.  He never let anyone see him like that. “I intend to listen to you and be here for you, for… however long I live.”

I see a small smile spread across his face. “As much as I hate to admit it… I appreciate that.”

Gratitude from Starscream is a miracle. I know that. I had unlocked his spark. I'm not one to just run off with someone's heart; I intend to keep his spark safe. 

I don't know what else to say or do, so I decide to kiss him some more. Fuck, his kiss was so nice. I was happy enough to just kiss him. Our kiss deepened as he began to gently bite my lip. Ah fuck, how did he know I have a little bit of a weakness for that? (There's other weaknesses he'll find later) I can't wait to get to the “making out” point. I want to see how deep he'll go. 

He moved me onto my back and is careful not to crush me as he kissed deeply. I even got a little bit of his smooth glossa in there at some point. We stopped, and I could see the happiness return to his optics; not the hungry “I'm going to destroy you” happiness. A happiness I've never seen before, and I'm sure no one else has either.

We're in a bit of a limbo between what to do next. Do we go further, or wait? He isn't ripping my clothes off, which is a good sign. He is eyeing me though. I consider myself fairly attractive, so I'm not surprised. I'm not sure though, if I'm ready for him to see my self harm scars that aren't on my arms. The more recent ones that I've made sure to hide.  That… and we had just started being romantic towards each other. “Stars… I'm not sure if… I'm ready to interface yet.”

There wasn't a single bit of disappointment in his expression at all. “That is all right, my sweetspark,” he said softly. “Such an act often requires time and consideration. I'll wait for you.” My reluctance seemed to help him relax, since this level of intimacy is new and slightly frightening to him.

_ I've never felt so understood in my life _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ik there will be some people thinking I'm writing Starscream as too soft a character, but... having been through similar experiences to his, there is definitely a soft spot within him. It's hard to reach, but it's there. I chose to let it out, so... to each their own on perspective. Either way, after these last 2 short chapters, have a long ass one!


	7. You're My First

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had no idea what this night had in store for us... Stars is hesitant, but he does come around and realize that it all feels so good....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ready for a bunch of filth...? This isn't as filthy as this is gonna get, but have some sin. Very NSFW. The filth and sin you've been waiting for.
> 
> I may or may not have made a playlist of sinful songs to write this....

His optics widen a little, but he gave me a quick kiss and said “Tell me… tell me to stop if you need to… tell me what I need to do… I know nothing of human valves… or how it's even supposed to feel….”

“I… don't really know how it's supposed to feel either,” I admit. “I've done it but every time it's been disappointing.”

He kissed me again. “I'll do my best… I'm… fairly well endowed, if that makes any difference.”

_ Mmm _ . I want to see it… but,  _ patience _ . Patience will build the anticipation and make the revealing all so much more exciting.

I'm waiting for him to start undressing me… he was hesitantly gazing at me, servos shaking a little. “I… may I… undress you, sweetspark?”

“Of course.” I lean in to kiss him as he began to try his best, having little knowledge of how human clothes work. I stop to show him, so that he could be less nervous. Once my torso was completely bare, I could feel his optics settle on it. I'm not sure if he's seen a half naked woman before, or if he already knows what he was expecting and was laying eyes on his prize.

I finished undressing while he was in his trance. His optics moved down lower… until he could go no lower. I spread out a little to give him a better view, knowing he had probably never seen a real, functioning pussy before. I'm soaked, ready for him. He seems unsure of what to do.  Then again… there’s also the scars on my legs from when I was in a particularly dark time in my life, and I hope they aren’t concerning him.

“Like it?” I ask quietly.

All he could do was open his optics even wider. He was also blushing profusely, seemingly unsure of what to do.

“It's… ready.” I'm trying to gently persuade him to make a move.  When he still was frozen, I sat up and wrapped my arms around his neck.  “I want you,” I whisper, causing him to take in a sharp breath. 

I hear a movement of metal, and before I could even react….

_ He had revealed his spike _ .

He was not lying about being well endowed. I'm not sure I can fit the thing into me, but I tried to reassure myself by thinking: if I was physically supposed to be able to push a baby through this same part of my body, I can definitely accommodate him. Not that he was anywhere near the size of a baby, but… you get me.  His spike is gorgeous; so much silver with faint tones of red and blue within the ridges. Matches his color scheme perfectly. Fuck yes, there’s all those ridges to catch on my sensitive places…  _ fuck _ … I could almost orgasm just looking at it.  The beauty of it has me all the more ready to take it.  I spread out a bit more and lay back as he pushes me. He moves on top of me and begins to kiss me deeply. I'm holding myself against him. Any moment now… he was pressing his spike into me, but not entering… perhaps it's his anxiety, or he's trying to make sure he's plenty lubricated for entry.

He took a deep breath, and there it was.

He nervously entered a little at a time, then suddenly thrusted deep in.. I can see the anxiety in his expression. He pressed on; it hurt. I'm not going to lie, my insides, despite being well lubricated, still strained to accommodate him. I let out a little squeak of pain, causing his optics to open wide suddenly. He withdrew. “Sweetspark… did I do something wrong…?”

“No Stars, you're fine… I've just never been with someone as...  _ well endowed _ , as you… it just hurts a little.” I'm trying to do my best to reassure him that yes, it's natural to hurt a little at first when taking something bigger than you’re used to.

“Is it… supposed to?” he asked worriedly.

Is it though, or does it just happen?  “It’s not…  _ not _ supposed to.”

His optics dropped to his spike, then returned to my slightly pained face.  “I… I’m sorry,” he apologized softly. “I hope… I hope you still like it….”

I leaned up and kissed him.  “Of course I do,” I said gently.   “The first time is always a little awkward.”  I felt sorry for him; all these years of abuse led to him being very insecure when he was finally with someone who he felt somewhat safe around.   “You don’t have to be afraid, Stars, I adore your spike,” I assured him.

His face lost some of its worry.  He hesitantly held my hips with those sharp digits and paused before re-entering, still looking anxious when I let out a sudden gasp.  It definitely hurt, but not so badly that I want him to pull out. My eyes are watering a little bit from the stinging, but that won’t stop me.  After some hesitation, he began to move inside of me. His thrusts were deep and deliberate. I can hear his breathing increase; hopefully he would have a chance to orgasm (I guess for him it’s called “overloading”). I'm not sure what my fate is yet, but the pain is starting to subside into pleasure. Oh, it still hurts, don't get me wrong, but it's the kind of pain mixed with sexual pleasure that feels painfully ecstatic.  Weirdly enough… his digits digging into my hips sent a huge rush through me….

He's starting to thrust harder, following his senses. Because he's got me so stretched and all, he catches my clitoris every few thrusts, and good lord, that's  _ amazing _ . Seeing him on top of me, not really asking what to do, and taking me, was hot.  _ So _ hot. He's enjoying it… I can hear his whole system trying to accommodate for his intense activity. The look on his face was priceless: that fascination, curiosity, and enjoyment mixed with lusty arousal was both precious and hot.  I'm taking the last tiny little shred of his innocence, the innocence that he's had for millennia. He still has some anxiety in his expression, but the other elements masked it well.

“Stars… take me… overload….” I wrapped my legs around his waist. This was so good… for this being his first time, he was amazing… maybe I've just had shitty sex my whole life… I tried unsuccessfully to match his thrusts; he’s too irregular and deep for me to match him well.

He closed his optics and groaned as he plunged deeper and faster. Admittedly, it hurt, but I'm so turned on at this point for it to matter.  “Stars… Starscream….” That fucking spike was buried in me… with those gorgeous colors and ridges….

“Primus….” he groaned. I don't know if he's close or not, since I've never been with him before, but he is clearly into it. He's still figuring some things out, like what to do based on my reactions and which angles feel the best, but he's getting it.  He was becoming more confident, thrusting faster and harder. This gets me going even more…  _ fucking hell _ .... 

He became suddenly stiff and let out a loud groan, all while digging his digits into me.  I felt him fill me with his fluids as his face contorted with the pleasure of his overload. He had a lot of fluids in me, so it's all dripping down my thighs.  I didn’t expect him to last very long, with it being his first time… but I’m going to have to find a way to finish. He pulled out and laid next to me. “That was… fragging amazing,” he breathed.

“Are you going to finish me Stars…?” I asked, still very turned on.  I moved on top of him. I imagine he either has no idea how to get a woman to finish, or just wasn’t thinking.

“How… how would you like me to finish you?” he asked.

“However you want to,” I breathed.  “Touch me… keep fucking… eat it… something….”

He moved on his side and pulled me against him, his servo closed over my breast, with my back to him.  I can feel his spike pressing into me, but it seemed that he was not going to use it to finish me. He slipped a leg between my legs, then reached and began to stroke my pussy experimentally, making sure not to use the sharp parts of his digits.  He definitely did not know how female human anatomy worked; he honestly was just touching whatever, trying to find a spot that drew the desired response. Or he just couldn’t see what he was doing and was guessing. He got better as he continued, watching my reactions to his touch.  He finally started catching all of my sensitive spots in an arousing way, causing me to squirm. Yes… I’m almost there… just give me those last few vigorous strokes….

My orgasm shredded through me.  This is the best orgasm I’ve ever had… because my beloved Stars had given it to me.  Being so into him pushed me over the edge... I didn’t know my insides were capable of clenching this pleasurably….  “Fuck yes… Stars… Starscream!”

Once my reactions were less intense, he moved me to face him and kissed me.  I’m a fluid, shaky mess now. “That was good,” I sighed.

“Did I… do all right?” Stars asked uncertainly.

“Stars, you did amazing,” I assured him, kissing his blushing cheek. “I want to do it again once I've become less weak and shaky.”

His spike was pushing into my thigh, already fully pressurized. Fucking hell, I guess that's what happens when you stay a virgin and go without sex for eons. You get wild once you figure out that it's fun. Especially when you like someone. “There's so much for us to do… you'll figure out what has you wildly overloading like you’d never imagine. I'll try almost anything with you.”

His optics filled with a bit of lusty hunger, but it was still mixed in with his insecurity and anxiety. “I… what… what do you want to….”

I thought for a moment. “Since it's your first time around, why don't you lead?” I suggested. “We can play around a bit to see what you like…?”

His anxiety seemed to increase. I felt so bad that he was this insecure. “Y-you… know more about… I'm not sure… I've seen things and I'm not completely clueless, I just… in the berth… I don't know how to… please you, or what I even want.”

“Don't worry about me,” I insisted.

His optics were settled on my lips. I don't know why precisely, but I have an idea…. “... you will… you know… try to…?”

I'm going to try to decipher this. “You mean… you want me to… uh, find out how you taste and give your spike some love in the process…?” This was an awkward conversation to have, since he is so anxious.

“Not n-now,” he said quickly. “But that, yes.”

Ah… what I would give to suck that beautiful, sexy spike right now…. It's pushing into my leg, and I want to do something to relieve the tension, but I'm not going to do anything that might make him feel insecure or anxious.

“What would you like me to do?”

He thought for a moment. “I… want to try again.”

“I'm down for it.” This time I want to sit up a bit more so I can see him as he goes in and out of me. That and it's an excellent angle to catch my clitoris and everything around it. I'm recovering a little bit, so I might be able to do round two. 

He moved me on my back, kissing me gently. He wasn't gentle for long; it wasn't long until we were ravaging each other. His servos explored me hungrily… he seemed to be gaining some confidence. Maybe it was his raging, pressurized spike taking over and doing the thinking (most likely). When he moved away, he nervously paused right at my entrance… he entered slowly and cautiously, still unfamiliar with the sensation of having something wet, velvety, and tight around him. It didn't hurt nearly as badly this time, but I would be lying if I said there wasn't a very noticeable ache. His caution dissipated as he began to thrust. His optics filled with a lust and hunger for pleasure. I've moved myself into a more arousing, pleasurable position, but he took my hips and moved me into a position that stimulated him. He has not let go of me; in fact, he’s doing that thing where he digs his digits into me… that felt good in and of itself….. 

I know what's doing the thinking now: that raging spike and the sensations it was sending through him. As my pleasure built up a little at a time, I thought,  _ of course _ he's moving me to stimulate himself, whether it drives me crazy or not. Not only did I tell him to focus on himself, but he's Starscream. Scratch that, he's  _ horny _ Starscream. I found that letting it go and watching him have his way was in itself a turn on. There's nothing like being fragged by a tough mech like him….  I had never dreamed that I would enjoy being at the mercy of my lover.

He continued to move me to whatever position stimulated him the most.  Sometimes he started to catch somewhere sensitive, causing me to return his thrusts.  Teasing me like that caused a buildup that would surely leave me exploding at the end. One minute, wildly pleasurable sensations pulsed through me, the next, when he moved to a more pleasurable angle for himself, the sensations would subside.  I know he isn’t trying to tease on purpose (he’s more worried about his own pleasure), but he’s doing a damn fine job at making me crazy for him.

His face was soon contorted with pleasure as his overload hit him a second time, talons digging into my hips.  This time, he let out a louder groan than his first time. More fluids filled me. Now all I need is some stimulation, and I’ll be so high on the sensations that I won’t be able to walk.  “Starscream… please… finish me….”

His optics were gazing at my shaking body for a moment, then moved to my aching, inviting pussy.  “C-can I… taste you…?”

“Fuck yes, do it!”  I’m nearly screaming.

He seemed to have a little hesitation at the fact that his fluids were all over me, inside of me, and all over the berth, mixed with my own.  Good lord, we had made a mess. He spread my legs to where he could comfortably access my pussy, licked around the outside (you fucking tease!) and began gently exploring.  This time, he seemed to know where all of the sensitive places were and how to touch and tease them. Hmm. Maybe now that he could see what he was doing, it was easier. After drawing circles around all of the most sensitive places, his smooth glossa entered me.  He slowly licked around and inside of me, stopping every so often to kiss my soft, hot pussy. He licked and sucked on whatever he could get at when he wasn’t inside: he sucked and licked my clitoris for a solid minute, although not vigorously enough to make me explode.  All of my soft, velvety flesh was fair game to be caressed by his skilled glossa. He even experimentally bit me a few times; I never knew I liked being bitten in the right places. It’s almost like he’s done it before… he purposely (I think) prolonged the sensations by taking his sweet time exploring me.  I’m not complaining, since the current sensations had me digging my fingers into the berth, but that sweet, sweet orgasm….

With some difficulty, I lifted my head from the pillows to see him doing his thing, and  _ fuck _ .  Him, with his optics closed, glossa diligently working away at me… I reached for his head and pulled him closer, which brought him deeper inside of me.  Somehow he managed to pull his glossa out and start focusing on my clitoris… I have so many questions, but they’re blurred by my pleasure. I’m so close….

I cried out.  There it was, that explosively amazing orgasm I had been waiting for.  It was way better than the last one... I pulled him harder to get the most sensations before the feelings faded…. I laid back as it faded, mind blown, and certain that I indeed could not walk.  I was covered in a sticky mixture of his fluids and mine… this is a first for me. Then again… he isn’t human and clearly produces a lot more fluids than a human would. I don’t recall ever being this sticky with my own fluids though…?  I do have a huge weakness for being eaten out and orally pleasing partners… that could have contributed.

He withdrew and snuggled next to me.  “Stars… you told me you had never interfaced…?  I’m wondering because you know what you’re doing down there.”

He looked away from me, then looked back.  “I-I haven’t,” he said, looking into my eyes.  I don’t see any indication on his face that would indicate that he is lying.

“How are you so good at eating me out then…?”

“I….”  He blushed hard.  “I-I have… researched.  Since I have felt this way about you....”

I won’t question it any further, but I made a note to either ask him another time or ask Knockout if there’s anything I should know.  There is something that doesn’t add up, and it draws a certain level of embarrassment from him. Not the kind where he’s lying about his past experiences, but he definitely is not letting something out.

“Stars…?”

He took my face in his servos.  “What is it, sweetspark?”

“I… that was the best sex-- uh, interfacing, I’ve ever had.”  Fuck, I’m still weak and achy.

He smiled and blushed.  “I guess my first time was better than I thought it would be… I was never planning to have a first time, but… there’s something about you, sweetspark… I normally do not like anyone this physically close to me, lover or not… but I cannot get you close enough.”

Damn.  Had he really been crushing on me this whole time?!  I kissed his blushing face. “I’m happy to be your first… you’re my first time with a mech, if that counts for anything.”

“At least I’m your first something,” he teased.

I didn’t want to tell him that he was the first one I had feelings like this for… it’s too early.  I don’t want to tell him that I would happily be his only….

**Author's Note:**

> All I can say is... why am I like this


End file.
